the essence of life

Happy Home Life Tip #27

Getting what you want feels wonderful.

Not getting what you want, doesn’t.

Am I right?

But what if you could change what getting-what-you-want looks like, so you could feel wonderful more often?

People used to describe me as a black or white person, never living in the grey area of life; I either got what I wanted (and was happy), or didn’t (and lived with the disappointment).

But my coach, Maggie Reyes, introduced me to another way to see things…I could look for “the essence” of what I most desired.

Looking for the essence became one of my favorite life-coaching concepts and one that I urge you to try.

By looking at the key ingredient of what I really want (the essence), and figuring out a way to get it, my life is far more enjoyable. 

I learned that I don’t have to give up what I want, I just have to be willing to let go of the whole perfect picture.  Because the perfect scenario is just a product of my imagination, and is probably not likely to pan out anyway.

Here’s an example I bet you can relate to:

In my black or white world, I expected the person who used up the toilet roll to install a fresh one and always hang it the “right way” (paper underneath, of course!).

It used to infuriate me when I was either left with an empty roll, or found a roll hung up “wrong”. 

After learning about the essence concept, I came to see that what I really wanted was to simply have toilet paper available!

So, I requested when someone used it up, they refilled it.

Happily they do, and I keep my mouth shut when I find it hung “wrong”.

It doesn’t feel like I gave in, or compromised, because I still get the essence of what I really wanted.

Another example:

Years ago, when our family left Cape Cod and had to relocate to New Hampshire for work, I dearly missed my sunrise walks with friends where we’d not only get exercise but admire the ocean, our village, the lighthouse and seals, and talk, talk, talk about everything and anything. 

Life wasn’t the same in New Hampshire.

We didn’t meet friends or live near a quaint village.

We worked. A lot.

Our kids grew up, and moved away. 

My introverted husband was left with a lonely extroverted wife.

I wanted so much for him to become a bubbly, chatty guy who woke up eager to talk, talk, talk.  

Instead, he woke up quiet, to steel himself for the issues of the day. (He ran a large destination resort that provided him with urgent issues the moment he got to work.) 

Then, when I began life coach training, I learned about the essence concept. 

Since I hadn’t found a way to replace my Cape Cod friends, I asked my husband if there was a way we could chat more. The essence I was looking for was fun-filled conversation that didn’t revolve around necessities or work.

His solution was to invent “Walkie-Talkies”.

That’s where we scheduled time to find places to walk, and he was willing to be more chatty and share deep thoughts.

I loved it.

(That was many years ago, and we’ve since moved to Vermont, but we still head out for a Walkie-Talkie whenever we feel the need for more connection.)

Searching for the essence of the situation has helped so many of my clients.  They tell me they feel lighter and freer.

I’d love to help you feel freer too. 

Hugs,

Krista

Photo: On a sunrise Walle-Talkie while visiting kids in Charleston, SC